Happy place

So I'm out the field one day, years ago, and I'm intending to visit with my insured and his girlfriend. 

Seems they'd been out partying on New Years, went four wheeling in his vehicle, and rolled it. 

Alcohol may have been a factor. 

So, sadly, the girlfriend had a fractured pelvis, which is definitely not good. 

I went to meet with them in their trailer, in what must have been THE WORST TRAILER PARK in the world. We're talking muddy ground, dogs roaming, no trailer less than 30 years old. Only thing I've seen more disgusting, in terms of living area, is a gypsy camp.

I find their trailer. They invite me in. Nice people (really). 

Of course, the entire trailer REEKS of the devil weed. I think I got the proverbial contact high. 

I got the statement I needed, and the forms signed, blah blah blah. 

A few weeks later, after I get all the medical bills, the insured and the girlfriend come into the office so she can sign the release and get her money. 

She comes in wearing a leather pelvic brace with "HAPPY PLACE" written in black Sharpie, and an arrow pointing down. 

I commented on it, somewhat in passing. And. . . . get this. . . . she was EMBARASSED!!!

Moral of the story?  If you don't want people commenting on your happy place, don't label it!

A guy and a duck

This one was told to me by a former police officer turned SIU (special investigations unit) rep. 

They get a call about a man passed out in a vehicle at the top of the bridge. 

They approach the vehicle and, sure enough, the guy is passed out. 

With a duck. 

Guy - very, very drunk.

Duck - very, very traumatized.

According to the storyteller, the guy (very, very drunk) went to the local pond, grabbed a duck, then high-tailed it to the top of the bridge (perhaps he was looking for a romantic view?)

He proceeded (did I mention very, very drunk?) to have his way with the duck. 

Per the investigator. . . . .

"There were feathers EVERYWHERE."

Now tell me. . . exactly how drunk do you have to be to literally fuck a duck? 

A guy, a hooker and a rabbit. . . . .

Yep, sounds like a set up to a joke. 

But it's not.  

Guy's driving down the street. Someone turns left in front of him. Accident ensues.

When he calls his insurance company, a statement is taken. Standard question in a statement is "Did you have any passengers?"

"Yes, a woman in the front seat.  Oh, and a rabbit in the back."

"A rabbit."

"Yes, a rabbit."

"Stuffed, caged, loose?"

"Caged."

Alrighty then. 

How about contact information for the human passenger?

Nope, doesn't have it. Why not, you may ask? 

"Actually, she was a street walker I'd just picked up down the block. I don't know her name or how to get a hold of her. I dropped her off after the accident."

Amazingly, the claim rep did not ask about the rabbit that day; however, after significant pressure from his co-workers, he did ask the next time he spoke with the insured. 

"So, why did you have a rabbit in the car?"

"Oh, whenever my girlfriend has dialysis, I take care of her rabbit."

Which could lead one to a second-hand story about a guy and a duck. . . . 

Medical Records

I read them. All of them. Every last page. I've read medical records from birth to present.  And when you file a lawsuit, we get them all. Every last page. 

I've read more medical records pertaining to stranger's genital discharge than I'd care to ponder. Dick weeping? I now know about it. Dick not working? I know about that, too. 

Seeing your doctor for your fifth pregnancy test in two years, as well as that smelly discharge? I know about it, and wish I didn't. Here's a word of the day for you:  condoms. Try them. Amazing. Take care of the pregnancy and the discharge thing. Spectacular. 

Like to fuck other men, and your wife knows and doesn't care? Particularly because you have an STD? Or multiple STD's? Know about that now. Thanks. 

Remember that when you get involved in an injury claim, everything is fair game. 

Also remember that I'm not talking about people with serious injuries like fractures, internal injuries, scarring, etc. I'm talking minor impact claims, or claiming injuries that don't make sense based on the physics. 

So unless you're prepared to talk in front of a jury about all that personal stuff in your medical records, you may want to think twice about that lawsuit. 

Sub Rosa

I had never heard the term "sub rosa" before last year. It means (per Wikipedia) "under the rose" and is used to denote secrecy or confidentiality. I'm not sure why it's a term used to denote surveillance as well (although it is secret and confidential), but it's what I've been told. Actually, double checking the wiki entry, it is a term used primarily in the US as a byword for covert operations.  So I guess it makes a bit of sense. 

So this is something for you to consider, if your attorney recommends that you file a lawsuit against the guy who hit you, because the insurance company won't pay you tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars for your soft tissue claim. 

Be damn sure you are prepared to have many aspects of your life scrutinized. How do you feel about being followed by a stranger? Seriously. 

I've watched video of a woman standing on her front porch plucking her chin hairs. 

I've watched video of a guy smoking a doobie on his stairs. 

I've watched video of a guy sitting at a gaming table in Las Vegas for hours, when he stated under oath that he couldn't sit more than 10 minutes and needed a cane to walk (no cane seen in any of the video). 

And don't get me started on medical records. . . . speaking of scrutiny!!

More on that tomorrow.

Parents and children

I don't understand. Really. I recognize that I haven't given birth, and therefore may not be in a position to understand what it REALLY means to be a parent. 

But seriously, does sharing your DNA mean that you lose all ability for rational thought? Explain that to me. 

When your kid rearends someone, it doesn't really matter what the other guy was doing, whether he was driving erratically or stopped suddenly or didn't signal - your kid still rearended him. And the fact that your kid pushed that guy into oncoming traffic. . . . well, speed on the part of the oncoming traffic STILL does not absolve your kid of responsibility. Because yes, it is his fault!!!

When you kid is following someone, and they turn right onto another street, is is your kid's fault that the other car was stopped waiting to turn left and your kid rearended her. You have lost your mind if you honestly think that the woman didn't have a right to stop. Your kid rearended her. Yes, it is her fault. 

When your kid backs out of a parking spot and hits another vehicle that was also backing, yes, it is both their faults. Deal with it! 

And remember this as well - you weren't there!!!!! You have no fucking idea that happened. And I'm sure your kid has NEVER, EVER lied to you to get out of trouble. I'm sure your kid walks on fucking water while feeding the homeless and curing cancer. But guess what? They're still at fault. Try teaching them responsibility, not deniability. We don't need that many more politicians! 

Rear end

We all have heard this:  if you hit someone in the rear, it's your fault. Everyone knows this. 

Granted, there are (rare) circumstances where you aren't at fault for hitting someone in the rear. If they change lanes into your lane, and the damage is primarily one side of their rear bumper to the opposite side of your front bumper, chances are they changed lanes and there wasn't much you could do about it. If someone backs into you, technically they hit the front of your bumper. If your vehicle is pushed into the other vehicle. 

But under most circumstances, if the center of your front bumper strikes the center of the other guy's rear bumper, the accident will be your fault. 

"He was driving erratically" is not an excuse. That means you stay further away, asshat. Don't get closer. 

"She stopped suddenly" is also not an excuse. You need to keep enough distance between you and the vehicle ahead of you so, just in case she does stop unexpectedly, you can, too. Without hitting her.

"They didn't signal" doesn't work for me either. Again, you should have enough distance blah, blah, blah. 

And again, we've heard it all before. There may be some comparative negligence (like maybe 10%, if you're lucky), but realistically, you're at fault. 

So please don't waste my time whining about how you aren't at fault. Or worse, how your 28 year old son isn't at fault (even though you weren't at the scene and don't have the slightest clue what happened). Believe it or not, as your insurance company we are here to protect you. And oftentimes, the best way to protect you is to accept that yes, you are at fault.  

Yes, it is your fault that it's not covered

Here we are, at the intersection of "Yes, it is your fault," and "No, it's not covered."

In California, you must list every person of driving age in your household on your auto policy. Each person must be rated to drive your vehicle(s) or excluded. 

Reasons for excluding people are many:  roommate situations, unlicensed drivers, bad drivers, etc. 

Excluding someone on your policy means that person cannot drive your cars. Excluded. Not included. And not charged premium. 

So when you exclude your 16 year old son from your policy because your premium will skyrocket if you add him, and you let him drive your car, thinking it's not big deal, and the only ones who get hurt are the fucking insurance companies that are just trying to make a buck off you (yeah, fuck those corporations for making a profit!), well, yes, it is your fault that no, it isn't covered when little Johnny drives your car, with six of his friends, into another vehicle, totaling both cars and injuring everyone. 

That's what it means to exclude a driver, dumbass. And guess what? The amount of money you are going to have to pay to an attorney to defend you and little Johnny, and hopefully save your house and any assets your might have? Yeah, that amount is a hell of a lot more than you would have paid in premium. 

If you don't want to pay the premium, don't let little Johnny (or Julie, or anyone else) drive until he (she, it) is old enough to pay for the insurance himself. 

Think of it as . . . . oh, yeah - insurance!

Dumb

The thing is, we aren't dumb. 

Well, maybe some of us are. 

But seriously, spend, say, six months in the industry, and you'll have heard pretty much every variation of an accident imaginable. And some you never would have imagined. 

We aren't dumb. 

When we ask you if you had anything to drink before you got in your car and subsequently drove through a field of sunflowers, keep in mind that we will order the police report. And we will find out that you were drunk. And, believe it or not, we won't care. Are you at fault? Yes? Is there coverage? Yes? Then we'll pay it. We don't care if you were drunk (underwriting may, but that's a different story). 

Now, if you do hurt someone when you were drunk, we care a bit more. We may not pay punitive damages in court, but we will pay a bit more if you got shit faced and hit someone else. Just let us know up front. Don't tell us that the bottle was from another night. Don't tell us you had one drink when you had 12. We'll find out. 

Telling us you're going to be honest and confess that you had one beer before you careened into the rear end of the SUV that was stopped at a red light, well, we appreciate your version of honesty. Out of curiosity, we'd like to know HOW BIG that one beer was, considering that the poor guy sitting in his car at the stop sign had to pick your sodden ass up off the street after you fell out of your car. And then had to dodge your vomit. Yeah, one KEG of beer, maybe. But size/amount ends up being just that - a curiosity. Believe me, we'll find out how much you drank, or how high your BAC (blood alcohol content) was. 

We aren't dumb. We've heard it all. So when you say you parked your car in front of your house last night, and the front end was up on the curb when you got up this morning, and there's damage all over the front end, and you have NO idea how that happened, you can rest assured that we will take a long, hard look at the damage before we pay you. And if you hit something, you'd better tell us now. It's easier for us to take care of it now, instead of after the lawsuit is filed. 

So yeah, we aren't dumb. But damn, so many of you people are. 

Multivehicle rearend

The title may sound somewhat obscene, but it's a rear-end accident involving more than 2 vehicles. Typical scenario is vehicle #3 hit vehicle #2 pushing it into vehicle #1. Seems pretty simple. . . . . until vehicle #2 says they were pushed into vehicle #1, and vehicle #3 says that vehicle #2 hit vehicle #1 first, then vehicle #3 hit vehicle #2. 

So here's a little hint, when you're thinking of lying to your insurance company and you're in vehicle #2. . . . if the damage to the front of your vehicle is significantly worse than the damage to the rear of your vehicle, chances are you rear ended the vehicle in front of your first, and then were hit by the vehicle behind you. So yes, the damage to the front is your fault. Moron. 

Police scene photos

If the scene photos taken by the police contain any of these items, yes, you are most likely at fault for something:

Bong

Unopened bottle of MD 20/20

Opened, half-empty (good luck being an optimist in this scenario) bottle of MD 20/20

Flask

Bag of weed 

CO2 cartridges - several hundred

Beer cans - empty or full 

Opened, half-empty bottle of Old Grand Dad (and the excuse that the bottle was from some OTHER evening when you drove drunk doesn't help you much)

And for the record, if you have any or all of those items in your vehicle, you're sitting at a red light minding your own business, and some jackass comes up and rear ends you, then no, it isn't your fault. But you'll be busted for possession (and whatever else applies) anyway. 

Assumption of Risk

I don't think of myself as naive, but every once in a while I get smacked upside the head with my continued naivete, and continued habit of accepting things at face value. 

Facts of loss as presented by the insured:  He fell asleep at the wheel, went off the road, woke up, tried to correct, hit a tree. Passenger was asleep in passenger seat (reclined) and she was injured. 

Oh, there was the fact that she was married and they were in the process of an affair at the time. 

And it was 5:00 AM on her birthday. 

I mentioned these facts of loss, off hand, to a co-worker, who promptly stated "He didn't fall asleep. Her head was in his lap and he had an orgasm. THAT'S why he lost control of the vehicle."

And the light went on for me. Now it makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE that she's claiming that her buttocks hit the windshield and her head hit the gearshift. 

So much more sense. 

So yes, lady, some of this is your fault. It's the legal principal called "assumption of risk." Real life example is that if you are giving your boyfriend a hummer while he's driving, you assume the potential risk of a car accident. Dumb ass. 

No, it's not covered.

The offshoot of "Yes, it is your fault," is "No, it's not covered."

No, it's not covered when you buy your policy after the accident happens. 

No, it's not covered when you buy a policy, pay one month's worth of premium, and never pay again. I realize that your insurance cards say it's good for six months, but that's only if you pay for it. 

No, it's not covered if you wrote the check every month so your mom would think you were paying for the insurance, but you never sent the checks in. 

And no, it's not covered if you didn't pay your premium because you moved, never updated your address, and didn't get a bill. 

Insurance is something you pay for! Stop wasting my time by telling people you have it when you know damn well you don't!

Police Reports

Yes, it is your fault if the police report says any of the following:

"When asked if she took any medications before driving, she responded 'I'm a walking medicine cabinet.'"

"The witness reported that the driver and passengers in V1 were overheard trying to find someone sober to say they were driving V1."

"On arrival, I was flagged down by witness Jones, who pointed out a man in a 4-door black vehicle. I made contact with the person in the driver seat of P-1 and noticed he was slumped over the center console. I attempted to verbally wake him, but he was unresponsive. I opened the door and noticed the strong smell of an alcoholic beverage coming from inside the car. I helped Smith out of the car and noticed that he had vomited on the center console and on himself. As Smith  got out of the vehicle, I noticed he had trouble staying up on his feet and needed assistance when standing. I also noticed that Smith's eyes were blood shot and watery, and he was unable to understand questions. 

I told Smith that I wanted him to perform FSTs (Field Sobriety Tests) and he responded 'I'm too drunk, bro.' I helped Smith to the patrol vehicle and witness Jones positively identified Smith as the driver of the car which he witnessed flee the accident scene."

POS

If, by chance you drive a 1991 Honda POS (piece of shit, for the uninitiated) that is an R/T (rolling total loss, also for the uninitiated), and if said Honda POS has a different shade of primer on every panel, please do not expect a lot of money when our Mercedes bumps the rear of your vehicle, leaving no visible damage on either your primer red rear bumper or our shiny black front bumper. And if your primer black front bumper, being held on for the last five years with a rotting piece of twine, happens to fall off at the same time, yes, it is your fault that the bumper is no longer attached to your car. Technically, it wasn't attached before this minor collision.  It is not a result of the impact, sorry, nope, not possible, not with no visible damage to either car. And if, after a single visit to a chiropractor, you decide to stop going to work, yes, it is your fault when you are fired from your job at Wendy's. When you subsequently demand $10,000 for your pain and suffering resulting from this incident, and we choose to have you followed, yes, it is your fault that we have footage of you smoking a blunt on your exterior stairs. Here's a harsh reality of car accidents, people:  the ones who get huge settlements are the ones who are severely injured. Like the 18 year old girl with the fractured neck, or the 45 year old man with $150,000 in medical bills who can no longer work, or the family of the dead guy. Your pot smoking, no job having, pestilence breeding, "the world owes me something" ass is lucky to get that nuisance settlement we offered, instead of the jail sentence you could have gotten for insurance fraud. Be grateful you can still walk, Fucker. 

Let's see what happens

So my beloved Howard has challenged me to start a blog, with the specific subject being examples for auto claim files. I decided to at least try and take him up on it. This first post is the one from which the blog is taking its name:  Yes, it is your fault. 

Yes, ma'am, when you back your Suburban into a brick wall, it is your fault. I'm sorry that your vehicle is so big that you couldn't see the wall; however, the wall was there first, and it didn't suddenly change lanes into you, or slam on its brakes in front of you. It's a wall. And you hit it. Yes, it is your fault. 

Yes, sir, when you rear end a vehicle that is stopped, waiting to turn left, it is your fault. I recognize there may be some validity to the argument that,  seeing as there is no insurance on the vehicle you hit, it should not have been on the road, and had it not been on the road, you would not have hit it. Regardless, you did hit it, and yes, it is your fault.  

Yes, ma'am, when you try to drive an unfamiliar vehicle while drinking coffee, eating Snickers' Pie, and smoking a cigarette, go left of center and hit another vehicle, it is your fault. I realize that you couldn't see either the yellow line or the other vehicle when your head was below the dash as you were searching for your lighter but, be that as it may, yes, it is your fault. 

And yes, sir, when you get drunk, run a stop sign, strike another vehicle, take out a power pole, and leave the scene to go sleep it off in your motel room, it is your fault. The fact that you blacked out and therefore do not remember it does not change the police report, the other driver's report, or the three witnesses who all saw the accident. So,yes, it is your fault.

And THAT is just the beginning.